"To become optimally healthy and happy, each of us must get clear about the ways in which our mother's history both influenced and continues to inform our state of health, our beliefs and how we live our lives."
--Christiane Northrup, M.D.
Mother-Daughter Wisdom

Every woman is a daughter, part of a legacy of emotions, beliefs and behaviors that were instilled in us at birth and continue throughout the rest of our lives. From our mothers, we learned about our bodies and formed our beliefs about them. Our mothers, in turn, took their instruction from their mothers.

Generation after generation, mothers and daughters engage in a delicate dance in which the older female conveys behaviors and attitudes about her body that the younger absorbs and replicates, all the while developing her confidence and esteem.

"The mother-daughter bond in all its beauty, pain and complexity forms the very foundation of a woman's state of health," says Christiane Northrup, M.D., in her book Mother-Daughter Wisdom. "This primal relationship leaves its mark on every cell of our being throughout our lives."

To be sure, fathers have their own unique contributions to make to a daughter's healthy body image. But because daughters have the same body parts as mothers, the majority of conversations about bodies occur between mothers and daughters. As a result, mothers have a great deal of psychological influence over the way daughters view their bodies.

Have you ever stopped to consider what kind of messages you're sending your daughter about your body...and hers?


Your Mother Didn't Have to Compete With Britney Spears
As a mother—or grandmother—there is no question you play a most important role in helping your daughter or granddaughter grow into a healthy, self-confident woman. What you model is what she learns and repeats, ultimately passing the lessons to her own daughter.

This responsibility has never been more important or more difficult. Shannon Simper, an outreach educator with Methodist Hospital Eating Disorders Institute in Minneapolis, Minn., stresses the unrelenting pressure today's girls receive from the media, a force earlier generations of mothers and daughters didn't have to consider.

"Girls are bombarded with messages that tell them beauty means reaching a height of 5' 7" or taller and a weight that plunges to 100 pounds," says Shannon. "Never mind that only 3% of the population fits that ideal naturally, and that the average woman is 5' 4" and weighs 144 pounds."

One study conducted for People magazine confirms what so many women know. Of the 1,000 women ages 18 to 55 polled, 37% said the portrayal of women on television and in the movies makes them feel insecure about their bodies.

Think Britney Spears. Think Lindsay Lohan. Think the Olsen twins.

Your Legacy of Body Esteem
With the many messages thrown at your daughter (or granddaughter or niece) that negatively affect her body image, you need to be deliberate in combating those messages and considering how you can provide her with a strong body image legacy.

While it may not always seem that your daughter pays attention to what you say and do, she really does. If you complain about your body size or shape, she'll think this an important concern. If you're attracted to the latest fad diets, she may think dieting is a better choice than a healthy, balanced diet. If she hears you refer to your period with loathing, she will too.

For you to instill the desired body esteem in your daughter, you may first have to change the way you respond to your own body. Your own unresolved issues around weight and your body can interfere with her ability to develop a healthy sense of self.

If you want your daughter to feel peaceful and confident about her body, you need to model for her your own self-affirmation. Begin by asking yourself:

• Do I like my body?
• How do I refer to my body? With positive or negative comments?
• Do I like how I look in clothes?
• Do I diet frequently?

Next, decide how you want your daughter to feel about her body. Jot down a few goals you have for your legacy of body esteem. They might include:

• Creating an environment in which my daughter is comfortable initiating conversation about her body.
• Teaching her to treat her body lovingly so she will grow into a healthy, self-confident woman.

Begin Modeling Self-Affirmation
To begin modeling the kind of self-affirmation you would like the young women in your life to model, follow these suggestions:

• Share your change of attitude. If you have a history of talking poorly about your body and now are resigned to change your attitude, share that knowledge with your daughter. Explain to her that you are in the process of changing your relationship with your body.
• Stop making disparaging comments about body shape and size—your own or others. Comments like "These pants look terrible on me," or "I hate my arms" should be completely eliminated. If your daughter hears you complain about the way you look, she'll feel it's appropriate for her to complain as well.
• Stress what your body parts do for you. Shannon Stemper suggests that when a daughter makes a negative comment about a body part, that you point out how it is a strength. A comment like "My legs are fat" should be addressed with a discussion about how those legs are muscular, and they allow her to be a good walker, runner or soccer player.
• Talk positively about your menstrual period. Talk openly about menstruation, its importance and how it makes you uniquely a woman. With your daughter's first period, celebrate her passage into womanhood and let her know how proud you are that she is growing into a strong and beautiful woman.
• Learn to accept a compliment. When given a compliment, reply with a simple thank you rather than a put down about yourself. Teach your daughter to do the same.
• Limit weighing yourself. If you don't want your daughter to develop a preoccupation with the scale, limit your own use of it to once a week. Don't groan or comment on your weight when stepping off the scale.
• Avoid losing or gaining weight dramatically. If you model extreme fluctuations, your daughter will adopt the practice. Teenagers should achieve a healthy weight by eating a balanced diet. Teach an "everything in moderation" approach to food.
• Exercise! Regular workouts are one of the few things we can control that contribute to lifelong health. Your children will be more active if you are.
• Watch TV and read magazines with your daughter. Teach her to be a savvy consumer by discussing the images you see and explain that photographs are enhanced with computer imaging to make the models look picture perfect.
• Don't hide your body. For some people, being nude can be uncomfortable. For others, it feels completely natural. If you let your daughter see you nude or in your underwear, she will infer that you are comfortable with your body and that she should be comfortable with hers.
• Check out what you have in the refrigerator. No fat, low fat foods in the fridge and talk of losing weight gives messages to our daughters and sets them up in a cycle of dieting, losing weight and gaining it back.
• Remember, your body is a miracle. Every system, every organ, every breath has its purpose. Consider taking a few moments of each day to express gratitude for your miraculous female body. It will help you develop a fresh perspective.

Resolving to be deliberate about the messages you send about your own body will trickle down to your daughter and positively influence her confidence and self-esteem. In fact, studies show that mothers with high self-esteem tend to have daughters with high self-esteem.

As you and your daughter age together, continue modeling body affirmation and teaching her that her body (and yours!) remains miraculous and deserving of self-love and respect at any age. You'll be establishing a positive legacy that can be shared throughout the generations of beautiful, strong women in your family.